The most surprising thing about remission
The most surprising thing about remission during long-term depression is that this is a point of time when you actually realize that you’ve been sick. If you’ve been hitting a new rock bottom every day for years, finally landing on a plain ground feels unreasonably easy.
The first time I’ve noticed improvement when I’ve stopped looking on underground rails. It was still bad, but not that hopeless. Yes, life is pain and I’d rather not be around, but there is no immediate call to action. Going to a shop still hurts, but at least I can go there. Also I’ve started sleeping and eating. Oh god what under-eye circles I’ve had before that! And I’ve thought that here it is, the remission. This is how normal people feel.
A couple of years later desire to disappear stopped being an everyday thing. I haven’t been expecting anything good, but concerts started to be fun. And food. I’ve started to eat in public without wanting to run away and hide in a closet. At that point I’ve started cleaning my flat. If somebody was visiting. Wouldn’t bother to do it just for myself. I’ve noticed that my memories had changed. It became easier to remember good things. Here I’ve thought — oh, _that’s_ a remission. That’s how normal people feel. But my doctor wasn’t willing to cancel my pills.
This year some miracles happened. First of all, the feeling of constant emotional pain disappeared. Desire to get lost comes from time to time, but only if there is a reason. I can go shopping and even call a bank hotline without long preparation. Though, it does take some prep to call a doctor. I do remember good things, and good memories build up. I’ve stopped bighting my nails. Sometimes I can even participate in public events and have fun there. Started to suspect that _this_ is how people feel.
My doctor still insists on getting anti-anxiety medication though. So some improvement is still possible. And all this, of course, haven’t been a straightforward linear process. But the most surprising is that all this hell in a head one can well perceive as a normal life.
